1. I am grateful that sinead emailed me back today. It was good to hear from her.
2. I am grateful for being driven to get dinner. I didn't very much feel like walking.
3. The opportunity to get outside today so thank you to graedon for that. I'm grateful that I hopefully helped out.
today i enjoyed the sun, took some photos and drank some healthy as shit juice. it was awesome.
Achieved: awake early. drank healthy juice.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Aubergine
1. Going to get dinner with Candice. I started to tear up for some unknown reason to me but it was nice to get out and have someone listen even though I didn't say anything.
2. Holy shit I had a sleep in today and it was awesome! I know its daylight savings so its only really 1hr but it felt like 3. I was so tired it was really good to have such a solid big sleep. So I'm grateful for the extra hours sleep.
3. Hmmmm. I did my hair really nice today. It made me feel pretty. I'm grateful that I days where I can feel nice again, like someone who slightly resembles someone worth wanting.
Txt Candice
Tonight I woke up in the sun. I realised I had had a huge sleep in and it was kind of nice. Yes I had to subdue the panic of not being at uni yet but it was nice. I had dents all over myself from sleeping like a rock and never having moved. Deep sleep. I had the weirdest dream though which I wont share for specific reasons.
Achieved: Some work, slept in!
2. Holy shit I had a sleep in today and it was awesome! I know its daylight savings so its only really 1hr but it felt like 3. I was so tired it was really good to have such a solid big sleep. So I'm grateful for the extra hours sleep.
3. Hmmmm. I did my hair really nice today. It made me feel pretty. I'm grateful that I days where I can feel nice again, like someone who slightly resembles someone worth wanting.
Txt Candice
Tonight I woke up in the sun. I realised I had had a huge sleep in and it was kind of nice. Yes I had to subdue the panic of not being at uni yet but it was nice. I had dents all over myself from sleeping like a rock and never having moved. Deep sleep. I had the weirdest dream though which I wont share for specific reasons.
Achieved: Some work, slept in!
Saturday, 29 September 2012
#justprayin'
1. I'm grateful for the Bill Bailey tickets I was given today. It was so lovely that Roana thought of me and I'm so stoked and grateful that I got to go.
2. I'm grateful that Margie came with me tonight. It was lovely to go out with a friend and I'm so glad it was her. YAY! Fun times.
3. I'm grateful for the walk home tonight actually. I got my fast walk on so fast and it was lovely. Got my blood pumping and body sweating a bit but it felt good.
I will txt Roana
Story? Tonight I went to Bill Bailey and it was awesome. He did Metallica on the horn things and made funny jokes. I laughed. Laughing is good. He did this awesome reggae set which was amazing and made me want to go to gigs and party. He also made fun of dubstep and other shit like that which was funny.
Achieved: Bill Bailey, Made some slight progress in major. Woke up early.
2. I'm grateful that Margie came with me tonight. It was lovely to go out with a friend and I'm so glad it was her. YAY! Fun times.
3. I'm grateful for the walk home tonight actually. I got my fast walk on so fast and it was lovely. Got my blood pumping and body sweating a bit but it felt good.
I will txt Roana
Story? Tonight I went to Bill Bailey and it was awesome. He did Metallica on the horn things and made funny jokes. I laughed. Laughing is good. He did this awesome reggae set which was amazing and made me want to go to gigs and party. He also made fun of dubstep and other shit like that which was funny.
Achieved: Bill Bailey, Made some slight progress in major. Woke up early.
Friday, 28 September 2012
donuts and backseats
1. Trudi sat in the sun with me today. I appreciated the break. Grateful for people who make time for me.
2. Liam helped me with major. I'm grateful for his advice.
3. Eunice today really cheered me up. I hope she never changes. She is hilarious. I'm grateful to have such an amazing friend whom is always so bubbly even when she is down. It's inspiring. Shes never afraid to be exactly who she is.
Idk who to text really. I'll txt Eunice
Tonight we all drank beer at uni. It was really nice. I had emersons bookbinder. I really enjoy it. I've been listening to a lot of hip hop and techno lately. I really enjoy it.
Achieved: Some uni work, gave back the keys to work.
2. Liam helped me with major. I'm grateful for his advice.
3. Eunice today really cheered me up. I hope she never changes. She is hilarious. I'm grateful to have such an amazing friend whom is always so bubbly even when she is down. It's inspiring. Shes never afraid to be exactly who she is.
Idk who to text really. I'll txt Eunice
Tonight we all drank beer at uni. It was really nice. I had emersons bookbinder. I really enjoy it. I've been listening to a lot of hip hop and techno lately. I really enjoy it.
Achieved: Some uni work, gave back the keys to work.
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Gibber Jabber
1. Hayden came in to see me at work today. Thats a huge big gratitude of my day. It was so good to see him again after sooo long. He mentioned the last time I saw him was at Ali Moys leaving party and I laughed. Ironic. I'm grateful that we both managed to make time to catch up. I've missed his friendship heaps, always managing to help me pick up the pieces of my failing love life. haha.
2. I had counselling today. We talked about the loneliness I've felt all my life and how thats effected the relationships I make with all people. I have this push pull thing going on where I can never figure out if I want to get close to people and then I let them get close and I draw myself away. I'm afraid of being deserted and so I do it first to make the inevitable pain easier. I'm grateful to have these conversations with someone who doesn't judge me. I'm grateful that I have this wonderful councillor who I feel comfortable with and doesn't make me feel bad about being who I am. I am enough.
3. I had work today. Actual paid work which is a laugh in itself. I'm grateful for the opportunity to do something else for a bit. It was good to have to go out and be told sit for 2 hours and just do nothing. I tried to enjoy my own company but I'm so glad Hayden came because I don't think I would of lasted any longer. I need to learn to be by myself. To enjoy my own company and I'm grateful for the opportunity to practice.
I'll txt Hayden.
Achieved: Went to counselling, had an early start to my day and enjoyed the morning, showered, went to work, caught up with Hayden, didn't cry when Ali came up on Simones screen saver which is a first. So I'm really proud of myself for that one. I might be getting better at handling the constant blows, constant reminders.
2. I had counselling today. We talked about the loneliness I've felt all my life and how thats effected the relationships I make with all people. I have this push pull thing going on where I can never figure out if I want to get close to people and then I let them get close and I draw myself away. I'm afraid of being deserted and so I do it first to make the inevitable pain easier. I'm grateful to have these conversations with someone who doesn't judge me. I'm grateful that I have this wonderful councillor who I feel comfortable with and doesn't make me feel bad about being who I am. I am enough.
3. I had work today. Actual paid work which is a laugh in itself. I'm grateful for the opportunity to do something else for a bit. It was good to have to go out and be told sit for 2 hours and just do nothing. I tried to enjoy my own company but I'm so glad Hayden came because I don't think I would of lasted any longer. I need to learn to be by myself. To enjoy my own company and I'm grateful for the opportunity to practice.
I'll txt Hayden.
Achieved: Went to counselling, had an early start to my day and enjoyed the morning, showered, went to work, caught up with Hayden, didn't cry when Ali came up on Simones screen saver which is a first. So I'm really proud of myself for that one. I might be getting better at handling the constant blows, constant reminders.
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
Breakfast, lunch and dinner
1. I really enjoyed eating breakfast with Charlotte today. I'm grateful for having a good start to my morning. It was lovely.
2. The rain to be honest. I'm grateful that it wasn't a sunny day today. It's been so sunny this week that all I've wanted to do was just be outside. Lie in the sun and have a nap but today I didn't mind being at my computer all day because it wasn't sunny. So yeah, for today I'm grateful that it rained.
3. Umm. I watched a few bits off the Ellen show today and got told off for laughing to much. So I'll give my gratitude shout out to laughing out loud. I'm really glad I can get told off for that. What a great way to rebel against quiet times! Hardxcore hahaha
I'm not sure who to thank.
Koen came over and we made dinner. Just plain potatoes but it was nice to cook at home again. I miss cooking at home for people. Took it to uni and left some for lunch tomorrow.
Achieved: Some uni work, got to uni really early, made dinner at home, had breakfast lunch and dinner in that case. Huge Achievement!!
2. The rain to be honest. I'm grateful that it wasn't a sunny day today. It's been so sunny this week that all I've wanted to do was just be outside. Lie in the sun and have a nap but today I didn't mind being at my computer all day because it wasn't sunny. So yeah, for today I'm grateful that it rained.
3. Umm. I watched a few bits off the Ellen show today and got told off for laughing to much. So I'll give my gratitude shout out to laughing out loud. I'm really glad I can get told off for that. What a great way to rebel against quiet times! Hardxcore hahaha
I'm not sure who to thank.
Koen came over and we made dinner. Just plain potatoes but it was nice to cook at home again. I miss cooking at home for people. Took it to uni and left some for lunch tomorrow.
Achieved: Some uni work, got to uni really early, made dinner at home, had breakfast lunch and dinner in that case. Huge Achievement!!
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Something like that
1. Sam again for driving me to get dinner but mainly for having a chat with me. It was really good just having a conversation with her and being reminded that it will never work. Stop dreaming.
2. Candice for coming to get me to go to the gym this morning. It was really good. It hurt to and all I did was walk. It was just nice.
3. I know there was something that made me think, ooh remember this one. Nothing comes to mind however. So in that case I will say that I am grateful for Charlottes soundcloud track. I listened to it tonight and its really good. I really enjoyed it and laughed to myself, thats right I actually really do like techno and electronic music and stuff. What was I on about? I'm grateful to be surrounded by such talented people.
Ummmmm I'll tweet Charlotte to tell her I listened to it and it was really good.
Today I sat and had a hot chocolate with Eunice, Koen and Esther in the sun at uni. It was nice to just sit in the sun for a while and talk about nothing in particular.
Achieved: GYM! Breakfast, shower, got up! Did some mock up posters for future of the book, emailed Annette.
2. Candice for coming to get me to go to the gym this morning. It was really good. It hurt to and all I did was walk. It was just nice.
3. I know there was something that made me think, ooh remember this one. Nothing comes to mind however. So in that case I will say that I am grateful for Charlottes soundcloud track. I listened to it tonight and its really good. I really enjoyed it and laughed to myself, thats right I actually really do like techno and electronic music and stuff. What was I on about? I'm grateful to be surrounded by such talented people.
Ummmmm I'll tweet Charlotte to tell her I listened to it and it was really good.
Today I sat and had a hot chocolate with Eunice, Koen and Esther in the sun at uni. It was nice to just sit in the sun for a while and talk about nothing in particular.
Achieved: GYM! Breakfast, shower, got up! Did some mock up posters for future of the book, emailed Annette.
Monday, 24 September 2012
Chasing cars
1. Candice for letting me get a little off my chest in a brief 30seconds. I'm grateful for her listening to me and not judging me up understanding.
2. Koen for sitting in the sun with me for lunch. That was nice. I'm grateful for the company.
3. [Deleted]
4. The text I literally just got from Sam. She caught me crying as I was walking home and sent me a nice txt wishing I was ok. I'm grateful for the kind thought.
I'll reply to Sam.
Today was a beautiful day. I had sushi and ate it on the lawn with Koen in the sun. The sun was so warm and lovely and delicious. The sushi was ok too.
Achieved: Shower, getting out of bed, emailed annette to change tutorial time so I could go to work on thursday, didn't have a coffee? Finished season three of the good wife.
2. Koen for sitting in the sun with me for lunch. That was nice. I'm grateful for the company.
3. [Deleted]
4. The text I literally just got from Sam. She caught me crying as I was walking home and sent me a nice txt wishing I was ok. I'm grateful for the kind thought.
I'll reply to Sam.
Today was a beautiful day. I had sushi and ate it on the lawn with Koen in the sun. The sun was so warm and lovely and delicious. The sushi was ok too.
Achieved: Shower, getting out of bed, emailed annette to change tutorial time so I could go to work on thursday, didn't have a coffee? Finished season three of the good wife.
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Sweat, blood but no tears
1. Dave for inviting me to be apart of the bike crew. It was an amazing bike today. I really enjoy pushing myself to try new things and be adventurous outside of my comfort zone. I'm grateful for the seat pad. My ass is not feeling the pain it did last time for a ride that was half the length which I'm eternally grateful for. It was an amazing opportunity today and even though it didn't make my depression go away even for the afternoon it reminded me of many more things.
2. Linus for a delightful conversation today that made me feel interesting for all the quirks I had felt guilty for in the resent past. The me I was when I met. It's good to know she's not gone. I'm grateful for the conversation that reminded me that It's ok to be just me. Nothing more, nothing less. To stop trying to be more. It's what got me here in the first place. I can push myself to achieve more but I don't have to be more. I am enough. (great self-peptalking)
3. I can't decide between me or liam for number 3. Actually I'll just do a 4 as well. 3 goes to Liams comment in passing on my way home tonight. It sounded really genuine and made me feel good. I need to spread the same compliment to others. 'I'm proud of you.' It's really lovely to hear. I'm grateful for the support.
4. Me for my perseverance today. After hearing Liams passing comment it occured to me that I should give myself some credit for my perseverance today. I biked from my house to te papa and then the long way to lyal bay. As in through Kilburnie and it was exhausting. I thought I might throw up from pushing myself beyond what I thought I was capable of. It reminded me a bit of how I felt after a rowing race. When your have to lean with you shoulders to convince your feet to try move forward to catch yourself. Today I am grateful for the strength I forget I have sometimes.
I txt Dave.
Today Dave and Jessie came over and lent me a bike cushion which was amazing. And then we went down to Te Papa to wait for the rest of the gang. Going down Taranaki st reminded me of how terrified I am of being on a bike. It makes my blood pump because it reminds me that I might die doing this or get injured. I was thinking about this tonight and I would never have done this so quickly if I no longer feared physical pain. It's an interesting position to be in. Anyway we biked the long way to Lyal bay and it was exhausting. In one way or another I've already covered this story. It was a lovely ride despite thinking I was going to die and being fucking exhausted. I really enjoy bike riding. I would love to bike around Europe.
Achieved: Huge bike ride, good conversation, lots of sweat.
2. Linus for a delightful conversation today that made me feel interesting for all the quirks I had felt guilty for in the resent past. The me I was when I met. It's good to know she's not gone. I'm grateful for the conversation that reminded me that It's ok to be just me. Nothing more, nothing less. To stop trying to be more. It's what got me here in the first place. I can push myself to achieve more but I don't have to be more. I am enough. (great self-peptalking)
3. I can't decide between me or liam for number 3. Actually I'll just do a 4 as well. 3 goes to Liams comment in passing on my way home tonight. It sounded really genuine and made me feel good. I need to spread the same compliment to others. 'I'm proud of you.' It's really lovely to hear. I'm grateful for the support.
4. Me for my perseverance today. After hearing Liams passing comment it occured to me that I should give myself some credit for my perseverance today. I biked from my house to te papa and then the long way to lyal bay. As in through Kilburnie and it was exhausting. I thought I might throw up from pushing myself beyond what I thought I was capable of. It reminded me a bit of how I felt after a rowing race. When your have to lean with you shoulders to convince your feet to try move forward to catch yourself. Today I am grateful for the strength I forget I have sometimes.
I txt Dave.
Today Dave and Jessie came over and lent me a bike cushion which was amazing. And then we went down to Te Papa to wait for the rest of the gang. Going down Taranaki st reminded me of how terrified I am of being on a bike. It makes my blood pump because it reminds me that I might die doing this or get injured. I was thinking about this tonight and I would never have done this so quickly if I no longer feared physical pain. It's an interesting position to be in. Anyway we biked the long way to Lyal bay and it was exhausting. In one way or another I've already covered this story. It was a lovely ride despite thinking I was going to die and being fucking exhausted. I really enjoy bike riding. I would love to bike around Europe.
Achieved: Huge bike ride, good conversation, lots of sweat.
Saturday, 22 September 2012
txts.
1. Sam brought me dinner in tonight which was lovely. An amazing salad. It was really lovely of her and I am grateful of that.
2. Rocky road ice cream? Can I be grateful of that? I had one this morning. When I got up it was beautiful and sunny and I treated myself. It was yumm.
3. I'd like to make a third food reference but.. Actually i've got it. Those oranges i've had around uni for ages. Just keeping them for no reason. I ate them today and they were so much more awesome than I suspected. I'm grateful for that lovely snack.
I'll txt sam.
Story? Positive one at that. Ummm this will be weak but I'll give it a go. This morning the sun was shining beautifully and it was a lovely day. I wore my pink dress which was nice. I do like that dress and my hair has been washed which was volumous. And the sun was all day long. The sun was beautiful and soft along the wellington houses on mt vic. It was lovely.
Achieved: Oranges for lunch. Thats actually about it. I made some nice useless spreads too.
2. Rocky road ice cream? Can I be grateful of that? I had one this morning. When I got up it was beautiful and sunny and I treated myself. It was yumm.
3. I'd like to make a third food reference but.. Actually i've got it. Those oranges i've had around uni for ages. Just keeping them for no reason. I ate them today and they were so much more awesome than I suspected. I'm grateful for that lovely snack.
I'll txt sam.
Story? Positive one at that. Ummm this will be weak but I'll give it a go. This morning the sun was shining beautifully and it was a lovely day. I wore my pink dress which was nice. I do like that dress and my hair has been washed which was volumous. And the sun was all day long. The sun was beautiful and soft along the wellington houses on mt vic. It was lovely.
Achieved: Oranges for lunch. Thats actually about it. I made some nice useless spreads too.
Friday, 21 September 2012
So I had a bottle of wine last night and fell asleep before I did this.
Yes, I know, I should probably start the count again.
Anyway heres to yesterday
1. My ability to get ready super fucking fast. I woke up at 8.23 and realised i had a meeting across campus at 8.30. I got ready and ran so fast (by ran I mean jogged and then panted). Got there at 8.33. It was good because I regret being paranoid that I wouldn't remembered as being pretty if I hadn't of spent time on it every morning and it reminded me that spending time on my appearance in the morning isn't me. Isn't who I am. Yay for finding me again.
2. Trudi being there for me yesterday morning. I got a phone call and it threw a huge curve ball to my day leaving me in tears for the whole morning basically. I'm grateful that Trudi sat with me. It was nice to not have to speak but just to have company.
3. Conversations with non-design people. It's really lovely to be talking about things not to do with my day. Things like other peoples jobs and Tezuko which was an awesome play. So so cool.
My mother cares about me a whole lot. She really does try to do right by me and in a manner that I would respect. I'm glad we are communicating now. I'm glad that she rang me and told me what she had done. I respect the honesty and that she knew I wouldn't have approved of her sending that email but she wanted to do it and thats fine because she rang me and told me that she had. I respect that she told me, even though i'm unpredictable and she would have had no idea how I was going to react. She didn't email me, she rang me. And yeah I was really hurt and I cried all morning but I'm not angry at her at all, not even bitter it just made me really sad. My relationship with my mother is stronger than it used to be. This is really lovely. If I am to take anything from this I am grateful for that. And knowing that my mother understands how I feel and the position that I'm in and doesn't judge me for it. It's nice to know that if things did go back she would support me (which wouldn't be right but in a strong way is still what I want).
Achieved: Got up super fast, had a meeting, went to breakfast with amy, moan, eunice and emily which was a nice surprise to see her. Went to Sophies 21st dinner. Remembered it was Matthews 7th birthday so I gave him a ring. Drank beers and ate cheese bread and hummus on turdis deck with friends, drank red wine again.
I'll txt my mother about yesterday today.
Anyway heres to yesterday
1. My ability to get ready super fucking fast. I woke up at 8.23 and realised i had a meeting across campus at 8.30. I got ready and ran so fast (by ran I mean jogged and then panted). Got there at 8.33. It was good because I regret being paranoid that I wouldn't remembered as being pretty if I hadn't of spent time on it every morning and it reminded me that spending time on my appearance in the morning isn't me. Isn't who I am. Yay for finding me again.
2. Trudi being there for me yesterday morning. I got a phone call and it threw a huge curve ball to my day leaving me in tears for the whole morning basically. I'm grateful that Trudi sat with me. It was nice to not have to speak but just to have company.
3. Conversations with non-design people. It's really lovely to be talking about things not to do with my day. Things like other peoples jobs and Tezuko which was an awesome play. So so cool.
My mother cares about me a whole lot. She really does try to do right by me and in a manner that I would respect. I'm glad we are communicating now. I'm glad that she rang me and told me what she had done. I respect the honesty and that she knew I wouldn't have approved of her sending that email but she wanted to do it and thats fine because she rang me and told me that she had. I respect that she told me, even though i'm unpredictable and she would have had no idea how I was going to react. She didn't email me, she rang me. And yeah I was really hurt and I cried all morning but I'm not angry at her at all, not even bitter it just made me really sad. My relationship with my mother is stronger than it used to be. This is really lovely. If I am to take anything from this I am grateful for that. And knowing that my mother understands how I feel and the position that I'm in and doesn't judge me for it. It's nice to know that if things did go back she would support me (which wouldn't be right but in a strong way is still what I want).
Achieved: Got up super fast, had a meeting, went to breakfast with amy, moan, eunice and emily which was a nice surprise to see her. Went to Sophies 21st dinner. Remembered it was Matthews 7th birthday so I gave him a ring. Drank beers and ate cheese bread and hummus on turdis deck with friends, drank red wine again.
I'll txt my mother about yesterday today.
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
shit fuck
1. Dinner tonight was awesome and Moan made it all lovely and delicious. I am grateful for having Ali over for dinner. It was lovely to eat dinner at home.
2. Cams help with helping me understand sentances and how they would have a rythmn. I got on a roll for a short time.
3. Joshs chat with me today. We had a great chat about love, life, sex, drugs and futures overseas. It was interesting and a really good catch up. It made me feel on the right track for a good while.
I thanked Cam in person
I had an interesting class this morning. He was very interesting and explained a lot of things that made a whole lot of sense to me. I'm in design for the right reasons.
2. Cams help with helping me understand sentances and how they would have a rythmn. I got on a roll for a short time.
3. Joshs chat with me today. We had a great chat about love, life, sex, drugs and futures overseas. It was interesting and a really good catch up. It made me feel on the right track for a good while.
I thanked Cam in person
I had an interesting class this morning. He was very interesting and explained a lot of things that made a whole lot of sense to me. I'm in design for the right reasons.
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
weisser
1. Hannah giving me beer tonight. I'm stoked with that. She had this awesome weisser that had german all over it and required me to drink it for her project because she is gluten free but doing a project on beer. Yumm. I'm grateful she picked me to drink it. It was awesome.
2. Free sausage sizzles. Yumm. I'm grateful for a free lunch. Yes there is such a thing. haha
3. Jessies txt. It was a couple days late reply but it reminded me that i'm ok. I can be pretty awesome and someone will want to lie in during the day with me. It's nice.
I txt Jessie.
Achieved: Shaved my legs which was awesome, ate a free sausage, watched a zillion episodes of the good wife, found some cool new blogs, submitted for an internship.
And a story? Today I enjoyed the sun outside. It was market day and beautiful weather. I had my wickedly white legs out. Ha. Waiting in line for the sausage was nice to be honest. Said hi to Bronwym. Shes lovely. Enjoyed breathing for a bit. Today was a lovely day.
2. Free sausage sizzles. Yumm. I'm grateful for a free lunch. Yes there is such a thing. haha
3. Jessies txt. It was a couple days late reply but it reminded me that i'm ok. I can be pretty awesome and someone will want to lie in during the day with me. It's nice.
I txt Jessie.
Achieved: Shaved my legs which was awesome, ate a free sausage, watched a zillion episodes of the good wife, found some cool new blogs, submitted for an internship.
And a story? Today I enjoyed the sun outside. It was market day and beautiful weather. I had my wickedly white legs out. Ha. Waiting in line for the sausage was nice to be honest. Said hi to Bronwym. Shes lovely. Enjoyed breathing for a bit. Today was a lovely day.
Monday, 17 September 2012
My idol is Courtney Love
1. Queens of the stone age. I don't care if anyone calls it stoner rock. Theres something about this band that makes me remember who I am and just feel fucking awesome. Walking the streets with songs for the deaf and i can feel my posture sort itself out. This bad seems to always return to me during this 'stage'. haha and it's fucking awesome.
2. Dinner out with Andy. I'm grateful for this lovely break this evening. It was lovely and it put a spring in my step. I'm grateful this happened.
3. Firefly. Watching that tv series today put me in a cheery mood. The mechanic of the ship has this cheery as nothing is going to get her down, bright side of life deal about her. It made me try and find the brightside to my day. Shes not the best character in the world but there is something lovely about the idea of a consistent positive outlook.
I sent a txt to Andy.
Dinner tonight was hilarious. It was lovely to have a big chat about life and what a fuck it is. Being cynical and yet just getting on with it. This crazy lady came and sat next to me and started spinning yarns. It was so funny. Andy was playing her up so hard. She was hilarious with her mini life stories and flamboyant character. Her idol was courtney love and her dream is to sing blues on nzs got talent. It was awesome. I'm much better with people one and one and it was really nice to go out and spend time with that purpose, not talking about uni, just chatting. Ha Howick yarns. It was a good dinner.
2. Dinner out with Andy. I'm grateful for this lovely break this evening. It was lovely and it put a spring in my step. I'm grateful this happened.
3. Firefly. Watching that tv series today put me in a cheery mood. The mechanic of the ship has this cheery as nothing is going to get her down, bright side of life deal about her. It made me try and find the brightside to my day. Shes not the best character in the world but there is something lovely about the idea of a consistent positive outlook.
I sent a txt to Andy.
Dinner tonight was hilarious. It was lovely to have a big chat about life and what a fuck it is. Being cynical and yet just getting on with it. This crazy lady came and sat next to me and started spinning yarns. It was so funny. Andy was playing her up so hard. She was hilarious with her mini life stories and flamboyant character. Her idol was courtney love and her dream is to sing blues on nzs got talent. It was awesome. I'm much better with people one and one and it was really nice to go out and spend time with that purpose, not talking about uni, just chatting. Ha Howick yarns. It was a good dinner.
Sunday, 16 September 2012
2months
1. I'm grateful that Anny reminded me in the simplist of ways possible that the person is not the problem. The problem is the problem. The two things are never the same. This has come in handy to me the past few days in particular as I've reached this 'check point'. So I am grateful to be armed with this little nugget of wisdom.
2. I'm grateful of Liam taking my facebook off me. I went on it tonight for the first time in 16days and it did nothing but fill me with sadness. I got very upset and I'm grateful to not have that in my life on a daily basis.
3. Break time, I am grateful that I can now see the benefit of taking some time to sit by myself and just observe the beautiful landscapes of Wellington city. From being in the new building I have learnt to love Wellington for its beauty. Or rather I have taken notice of it. I will always remember it as it is over the past month as being an inspiration of knowing where I am. That sounds dumb but appreciating my locality is coming quite nice. Even if I dont want to stay here and I do want to move on, I appreciate it for what it is.
A positive story. Today I spent an hour or two writing up how I felt on my phone and it made me realise that I have made progress. I may be starting fresh and from the deepest darkest shadows of my being but there is something to say about feeling like you have reached rock bottom. Like there is no future to imagine only constant pain, humiliation and sorrow, to start to see a future and potential plans. It was good to realise that these positive thoughts are sneaking into my mind and this is positive. This is progress. I don't think I could go any further backwards than I have because I've started looking for cars when I cross the road again. This is positive and I'm going to give myself a pat on the back it.
I'm at ends a bit here with my gratitude. My entire email was many little gratitudes and I would like to send it but I know it will only cause me pain. It would help no one, solve nothing and I'm not ready to be friends so it would only be confusing because its clear that I dont know what I want. I'm just letting what I think it right drive me. So I sent a txt to Joseph instead with my key point. No need to rambol.
Things: Slept in! Amazing. Designated thinking time. Redid my process wall at uni. Created a semi plan for some of it. Had a great chat with moan. Started firefly (I do feel like i have seen it before). Drank some beer by myself which was relaxing.
2. I'm grateful of Liam taking my facebook off me. I went on it tonight for the first time in 16days and it did nothing but fill me with sadness. I got very upset and I'm grateful to not have that in my life on a daily basis.
3. Break time, I am grateful that I can now see the benefit of taking some time to sit by myself and just observe the beautiful landscapes of Wellington city. From being in the new building I have learnt to love Wellington for its beauty. Or rather I have taken notice of it. I will always remember it as it is over the past month as being an inspiration of knowing where I am. That sounds dumb but appreciating my locality is coming quite nice. Even if I dont want to stay here and I do want to move on, I appreciate it for what it is.
A positive story. Today I spent an hour or two writing up how I felt on my phone and it made me realise that I have made progress. I may be starting fresh and from the deepest darkest shadows of my being but there is something to say about feeling like you have reached rock bottom. Like there is no future to imagine only constant pain, humiliation and sorrow, to start to see a future and potential plans. It was good to realise that these positive thoughts are sneaking into my mind and this is positive. This is progress. I don't think I could go any further backwards than I have because I've started looking for cars when I cross the road again. This is positive and I'm going to give myself a pat on the back it.
I'm at ends a bit here with my gratitude. My entire email was many little gratitudes and I would like to send it but I know it will only cause me pain. It would help no one, solve nothing and I'm not ready to be friends so it would only be confusing because its clear that I dont know what I want. I'm just letting what I think it right drive me. So I sent a txt to Joseph instead with my key point. No need to rambol.
Things: Slept in! Amazing. Designated thinking time. Redid my process wall at uni. Created a semi plan for some of it. Had a great chat with moan. Started firefly (I do feel like i have seen it before). Drank some beer by myself which was relaxing.
Saturday, 15 September 2012
Good people do bad things, that doesn't make them bad people
But good people also do fucking awesome things and it makes me go fuck yeah I need more positivity in my life so here we go with todays gratitudes!
1. Marcys comment today made me grateful that there are still really positive people out there. Marcy pulled me up on a bad perception. I was saying what tutors said to me about me and she reminded me that its really a good thing that they have the nerve to say it to my face. It shows that they must respect me or they would say it behind my back instead. You are always meaner to the people you love and your friends because they know they are you friends but your always super friendly to those that you dont like that much or know that well. So thanks marcy. Good life insight and I'm grateful you corrected my negative outlook.
2. I had a chat with Gill about life today and it was nice to just lay out how I felt about the uncertainty of my future. I explained to her that I don't really care what I do straight out of uni. My dream was to move overseas and just do something. I don't see why I should give up on that dream now that its just me, it will just be harder with more challenges. She told me off for putting myself down which I really appreciate. I need to be pulled up on it because most of the time I don't even notice I'm doing it. So i'm grateful for our chat. Its good to know that one of my mums friends supports my conscious decision of not wanting to know what to do for a while.
3. I'm grateful that simone today reminded me that I am not myself at the moment and havn't been for this month at all. It helps hearing this constantly as a reminder that I wont feel this terrible forever. I will get my old self back and I will find happiness again. She pointed out that I have become the biggest introvert since this all and that it's not who I am and I will get back to being me again. And I know shes right. I just need a huge change and thrown into the deep end of something and i'll find my way and my self confidence knowing that I did it by myself.
[I've deleted what I wrote here]
So I will txt my nan.
Things I achieved: Went to breakfast with mum, nan and jill, Decided on a loose date I want to travel and the route I will take, had a shower, did a food shop, went to uni, did some work at uni, had a really good chat with Marcy, havn't cried today (really stoked with that one).
Also I feel this needs to be said but I found it really easy today to name my gratitudes even whilst i'm feeling really dark so yay go me!
1. Marcys comment today made me grateful that there are still really positive people out there. Marcy pulled me up on a bad perception. I was saying what tutors said to me about me and she reminded me that its really a good thing that they have the nerve to say it to my face. It shows that they must respect me or they would say it behind my back instead. You are always meaner to the people you love and your friends because they know they are you friends but your always super friendly to those that you dont like that much or know that well. So thanks marcy. Good life insight and I'm grateful you corrected my negative outlook.
2. I had a chat with Gill about life today and it was nice to just lay out how I felt about the uncertainty of my future. I explained to her that I don't really care what I do straight out of uni. My dream was to move overseas and just do something. I don't see why I should give up on that dream now that its just me, it will just be harder with more challenges. She told me off for putting myself down which I really appreciate. I need to be pulled up on it because most of the time I don't even notice I'm doing it. So i'm grateful for our chat. Its good to know that one of my mums friends supports my conscious decision of not wanting to know what to do for a while.
3. I'm grateful that simone today reminded me that I am not myself at the moment and havn't been for this month at all. It helps hearing this constantly as a reminder that I wont feel this terrible forever. I will get my old self back and I will find happiness again. She pointed out that I have become the biggest introvert since this all and that it's not who I am and I will get back to being me again. And I know shes right. I just need a huge change and thrown into the deep end of something and i'll find my way and my self confidence knowing that I did it by myself.
[I've deleted what I wrote here]
So I will txt my nan.
Things I achieved: Went to breakfast with mum, nan and jill, Decided on a loose date I want to travel and the route I will take, had a shower, did a food shop, went to uni, did some work at uni, had a really good chat with Marcy, havn't cried today (really stoked with that one).
Also I feel this needs to be said but I found it really easy today to name my gratitudes even whilst i'm feeling really dark so yay go me!
Friday, 14 September 2012
mum
This will be quick cause I'm tired.
1. Jill for picking up on when I was being negative and telling me off for it. I really apprecaite when people try help me change my mentality by correcting me rather than letting me get away with it because more often than not i dont even realise im doing it so I'm grateful for that.
2. My mum and nan popping down to welly for the day to check up on my well being. I really appreciate that they came down for the day to help cheer me up and help me get through what im going through at the moment so im grateful for one day trips.
3. The safety of uni. I'm grateful that no one steals my shit when i leave it there for hours. Its awesome to know that i work in a safe and trusting environment.
Story? Positive. I laughed quite a bit today. My mum and Jill are so funny. So is Tom. Just so much cheek and smart ass. I loved it. I miss being a smart ass. It was funny to hear everyone else do it and it gave me hope that maybe if i do travel europe by myself next year that i might find that in myself again so today gave me a bit of hope which was nice.
Ill txt my mum.
1. Jill for picking up on when I was being negative and telling me off for it. I really apprecaite when people try help me change my mentality by correcting me rather than letting me get away with it because more often than not i dont even realise im doing it so I'm grateful for that.
2. My mum and nan popping down to welly for the day to check up on my well being. I really appreciate that they came down for the day to help cheer me up and help me get through what im going through at the moment so im grateful for one day trips.
3. The safety of uni. I'm grateful that no one steals my shit when i leave it there for hours. Its awesome to know that i work in a safe and trusting environment.
Story? Positive. I laughed quite a bit today. My mum and Jill are so funny. So is Tom. Just so much cheek and smart ass. I loved it. I miss being a smart ass. It was funny to hear everyone else do it and it gave me hope that maybe if i do travel europe by myself next year that i might find that in myself again so today gave me a bit of hope which was nice.
Ill txt my mum.
Thursday, 13 September 2012
Today
1. Today for a while I felt like had got my mojo back. I'm grateful for that while because even if it was only like an hr I felt like the old me that I loved being. Shes still in there somewhere and I am grateful for that.
2. I am grateful for that sandwhich that i brought from customs today because I gave half to simone and she seemed really happy and stoked about it and im grateful that I could facilitate that with a sandwhich even if it was the duration of whilst I was there.
3. I am grateful for coming up with a format for one of my major outputs. Even if it is only a format to commit to for now, I've been stressing out about it for a few days now and its good to have something to commit to working with for tomorrow. Hopefully i wont dream of paper folding and the A series tonight.
A positive story. Tonight as I did my usual night time cry which is becoming worse Simone came and gave me a hug and let me blurt out some things i've been holding in for a while now because I havnt wanted to sound like a broken record and make the mistake of being too honest and emotional and 'raw' all the time with everyone. This is a positive story because it reminded me of how I am surrounded by people who do care and in a weird way that people havn't just forgotten and moved on like i'm expected to have already done. It was nice to know that someone has noticed my effort and this is a positive story because I feel like in a way it makes me feel like its ok to still feel utterly devastated. So i can stop beating myself up about not being strong enough and guilty about feeling so sad. It was just really really lovely to have someone to just listen but actually listen.
I'll txt simone.
I know no one reads this and thank fuck to be honest. This is my 4th gratitude. I felt I needed to bulk the happy up a bit.
Fuck it ill do a fifth too. I'm grateful for the sound bottles make when you move them really fast (like when the wind goes over it or with you were to blow over it). It cheered me up today cause I thought it was hilarious and I actually quoted myself thinking 'thank fuck for the small things in life because the big things are too easily taken to seriously and just arnt as humorous'
2. I am grateful for that sandwhich that i brought from customs today because I gave half to simone and she seemed really happy and stoked about it and im grateful that I could facilitate that with a sandwhich even if it was the duration of whilst I was there.
3. I am grateful for coming up with a format for one of my major outputs. Even if it is only a format to commit to for now, I've been stressing out about it for a few days now and its good to have something to commit to working with for tomorrow. Hopefully i wont dream of paper folding and the A series tonight.
A positive story. Tonight as I did my usual night time cry which is becoming worse Simone came and gave me a hug and let me blurt out some things i've been holding in for a while now because I havnt wanted to sound like a broken record and make the mistake of being too honest and emotional and 'raw' all the time with everyone. This is a positive story because it reminded me of how I am surrounded by people who do care and in a weird way that people havn't just forgotten and moved on like i'm expected to have already done. It was nice to know that someone has noticed my effort and this is a positive story because I feel like in a way it makes me feel like its ok to still feel utterly devastated. So i can stop beating myself up about not being strong enough and guilty about feeling so sad. It was just really really lovely to have someone to just listen but actually listen.
I'll txt simone.
I know no one reads this and thank fuck to be honest. This is my 4th gratitude. I felt I needed to bulk the happy up a bit.
Fuck it ill do a fifth too. I'm grateful for the sound bottles make when you move them really fast (like when the wind goes over it or with you were to blow over it). It cheered me up today cause I thought it was hilarious and I actually quoted myself thinking 'thank fuck for the small things in life because the big things are too easily taken to seriously and just arnt as humorous'
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
Hmm
1. Simones broth. That shit was amazing tonight and I've put it in the fridge for tomorrow. I hope the udons last. It was yumm and I'm grateful that it made me cheer up.
2. Voice recorder on my iphone. Man that shit rocks because it lets me relisten to things that i really wasnt listening to properly. It also allows me to realise what I was even talking about. It really helps me understand myself.
3. The view in the coca building. It is beautiful and so sunny and relaxing. It reminds me constantly of how beautiful wellington is. The hills of mount vic. Amazing.
A story? Well. Simone brought me dinner into uni tonight which was wonderful. She made a broth which was awesome and have a lime in it so the flavour was just awesome. It was really nice of her to do that and we had a good chat which was really nice as well. I'm so excited to eat it tomorrow for dinner or drink it if the udons go crap. Such a nice gesture and I also forget how horrible i am when im not eating.
I txt trudi.
2. Voice recorder on my iphone. Man that shit rocks because it lets me relisten to things that i really wasnt listening to properly. It also allows me to realise what I was even talking about. It really helps me understand myself.
3. The view in the coca building. It is beautiful and so sunny and relaxing. It reminds me constantly of how beautiful wellington is. The hills of mount vic. Amazing.
A story? Well. Simone brought me dinner into uni tonight which was wonderful. She made a broth which was awesome and have a lime in it so the flavour was just awesome. It was really nice of her to do that and we had a good chat which was really nice as well. I'm so excited to eat it tomorrow for dinner or drink it if the udons go crap. Such a nice gesture and I also forget how horrible i am when im not eating.
I txt trudi.
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
It's really hard trying to be happy
OK so here we go.
1. Kate helping me out with my CV. It's been really great having someone motivate me to sort things out regarding my future. I might still be able to get a job in Europe after all.
2. Indesign recovery? Is that a legit thing to be grateful for? My computer crashed and went all sad face on me and I almost lost everything if it wasnt for autorecovery. (yes im struggling with being grateful about today)
3. Morning sun. Wakes me up every morning with a big hug. Summers coming.
Today Trudi and I went to brooklyn bakery and got lunch. That was really nice and then we ate it in the sun. It was nice to get out of uni for a little bit and just go for a drive. I actually love riding in cars. I dream of one day going on a romantic road trip across countries being in the passengers seat. But thats a side note. My point is it was really nice to be thinking about the future.
Organised with my mum to send kate a thanks present.
Things I've done: Went to uni before 9am, added some points to my visual map, had lunch with trudi and coffee with moan.
1. Kate helping me out with my CV. It's been really great having someone motivate me to sort things out regarding my future. I might still be able to get a job in Europe after all.
2. Indesign recovery? Is that a legit thing to be grateful for? My computer crashed and went all sad face on me and I almost lost everything if it wasnt for autorecovery. (yes im struggling with being grateful about today)
3. Morning sun. Wakes me up every morning with a big hug. Summers coming.
Today Trudi and I went to brooklyn bakery and got lunch. That was really nice and then we ate it in the sun. It was nice to get out of uni for a little bit and just go for a drive. I actually love riding in cars. I dream of one day going on a romantic road trip across countries being in the passengers seat. But thats a side note. My point is it was really nice to be thinking about the future.
Organised with my mum to send kate a thanks present.
Things I've done: Went to uni before 9am, added some points to my visual map, had lunch with trudi and coffee with moan.
Monday, 10 September 2012
So i didn't do this yesterday
Ok so three things for yesterday
1. Making forts! I'm grateful to not be too old to make a fort and that I don't think you could ever be to old to make a fort. One of those forever things that are fun as well.
2. Friends who hang out with me instead of going to a party because I can't handle being in a certain persons house just yet. You guys are fucking awesome. Thanks for waiting for me to go to sleep before you went to the party, I really appreciate you hanging around :)
3. Gingernut cookies. Those bad boys became my meal all day long and every time i started to think bad things i ate a cookie and went well there were good times. Gingernuts are awesome and some things wont change. I'm grateful that memory isnt tainted.
We made a fort tonight. We made a fort in the lounge and watched adventure time. I made nachos for liam and koen. They rocked which i was really nervous about and then drank tuis in my room. That was awesome.
TODAY!
1. I'm grateful to have people i can still count on. If things turn to shit and I get in trouble I have people who will wait with me till I can find my way back home. I have friends who care about me and thats something to be fucking grateful about.
2. Annette. My major project tutor. She always has time for her students and thats amazing. I'm so grateful shes my tutor. I just needed a tutor to talk to about where im at in my project and passively stress out. I've lost a solid month maybe more to my self pity and I've only just started to do work again this weekend. It was really nice to see my tutor and her to not make me feel bad about how far behind i've let myself fall. I'm really grateful of Annettes support.
3. Liz Lemon. I watch an episode or 2 a day which is a huge cut back for me. I really enjoy her role and her attitude to problems.
Story time?
Positive experience? I talked to Annette and she didnt make me feel bad about how far behind i was. I've been so nervous to talk to her for so long. We talked about where I was at and some of the formats i was considering . I did a page plan of sorts afterwards and so i think if i work really hard i might (i hope and then i hope some more) just might be able to catch up in time to do a good job of this project. So talking to annette gave me a sense of direction for a while and something to work towards to take my mind off otherthings for a while and that was awesome.
Thank you?
I emailed Ashley.
Stuff i did today: Ate breakfast, went into uni before 9am, made sam and amy dinner, kept my room in a reasonable state, took lunch to uni and ate a rockyroad ice cream which was amazing. I also made progress on major so i hope this comment becomes a trend.
1. Making forts! I'm grateful to not be too old to make a fort and that I don't think you could ever be to old to make a fort. One of those forever things that are fun as well.
2. Friends who hang out with me instead of going to a party because I can't handle being in a certain persons house just yet. You guys are fucking awesome. Thanks for waiting for me to go to sleep before you went to the party, I really appreciate you hanging around :)
3. Gingernut cookies. Those bad boys became my meal all day long and every time i started to think bad things i ate a cookie and went well there were good times. Gingernuts are awesome and some things wont change. I'm grateful that memory isnt tainted.
We made a fort tonight. We made a fort in the lounge and watched adventure time. I made nachos for liam and koen. They rocked which i was really nervous about and then drank tuis in my room. That was awesome.
TODAY!
1. I'm grateful to have people i can still count on. If things turn to shit and I get in trouble I have people who will wait with me till I can find my way back home. I have friends who care about me and thats something to be fucking grateful about.
2. Annette. My major project tutor. She always has time for her students and thats amazing. I'm so grateful shes my tutor. I just needed a tutor to talk to about where im at in my project and passively stress out. I've lost a solid month maybe more to my self pity and I've only just started to do work again this weekend. It was really nice to see my tutor and her to not make me feel bad about how far behind i've let myself fall. I'm really grateful of Annettes support.
3. Liz Lemon. I watch an episode or 2 a day which is a huge cut back for me. I really enjoy her role and her attitude to problems.
Story time?
Positive experience? I talked to Annette and she didnt make me feel bad about how far behind i was. I've been so nervous to talk to her for so long. We talked about where I was at and some of the formats i was considering . I did a page plan of sorts afterwards and so i think if i work really hard i might (i hope and then i hope some more) just might be able to catch up in time to do a good job of this project. So talking to annette gave me a sense of direction for a while and something to work towards to take my mind off otherthings for a while and that was awesome.
Thank you?
I emailed Ashley.
Stuff i did today: Ate breakfast, went into uni before 9am, made sam and amy dinner, kept my room in a reasonable state, took lunch to uni and ate a rockyroad ice cream which was amazing. I also made progress on major so i hope this comment becomes a trend.
Friday, 7 September 2012
1. Margie being a ruthless bitch. I love that girl and im so grateful of the love she shows to others.
Mikey P and his constant happy face. I totally appreciate his spirit and im always grateful to see him because he lifts my spirits.
Justin T for making crap songs that remind me of the 90s in a warm positive nostalgic way.
2. cant decide btween all day with trudi or the chat i had with liam.
3. ill txt trudi now.
things i did: shower, make major progress, get out of a badd mood, watch a movie at the movies, go to margies, see michael
Mikey P and his constant happy face. I totally appreciate his spirit and im always grateful to see him because he lifts my spirits.
Justin T for making crap songs that remind me of the 90s in a warm positive nostalgic way.
2. cant decide btween all day with trudi or the chat i had with liam.
3. ill txt trudi now.
things i did: shower, make major progress, get out of a badd mood, watch a movie at the movies, go to margies, see michael
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Outline
So the purpose of this blog is to rewire my brain.
There is a 21 day challenge from which I'm not going to do everything but I will try the three that sound easy. 3/5 aint bad.
1. Three Gratitudes.
Rules - At the end of each day I need to list three things that I am grateful for. Be specific of something that happened in the last 24hours and why you are grateful for it.
2. Journalling.
Rules - One positive experience that I have had over the past 24hours and retell it as a written story.
3. Random act of kindness.
Rules - Send one positive email praising or thanking someone in my social support network everyday.
The other two are exercise and meditation but I'm not convinced I will have the dedication to pull these off and will only feel bad about it. Maybe 10 sits ups and 10 crunches each morning will be enough or something but I'm really not convinced even though I can see their importance.
Anyway, what I propose is that I will blog at the end of everyday my achievements in this sense. I may perhaps try bring in something I'm meant to be doing every night anyway which is listing the things I have achieved today. Positive things such as getting out of bed which to be honest is a task bringing myself to greet each day.
Wish me luck.
1. Three Gratitudes.
Rules - At the end of each day I need to list three things that I am grateful for. Be specific of something that happened in the last 24hours and why you are grateful for it.
2. Journalling.
Rules - One positive experience that I have had over the past 24hours and retell it as a written story.
3. Random act of kindness.
Rules - Send one positive email praising or thanking someone in my social support network everyday.
The other two are exercise and meditation but I'm not convinced I will have the dedication to pull these off and will only feel bad about it. Maybe 10 sits ups and 10 crunches each morning will be enough or something but I'm really not convinced even though I can see their importance.
Anyway, what I propose is that I will blog at the end of everyday my achievements in this sense. I may perhaps try bring in something I'm meant to be doing every night anyway which is listing the things I have achieved today. Positive things such as getting out of bed which to be honest is a task bringing myself to greet each day.
Wish me luck.
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